Carpet Diem Page 3

  They’d bought the clock on their honeymoon in Australia. He’d always liked the texture and smell of the wood. The gentle, lulling tick-tock, had often been the only sound when he’d read comics here as a boy. The mechanical heartbeat made him feel safe. It had been an easy decision to keep it. It also helped with the guilt he felt for getting rid of everything else and replacing it with other things he’d inherited or bought himself with his unearned wealth.

  In fact, that was another thing: his favourite piece of furniture - his leather recliner with the cooler in the arms - was currently occupied by the strange man who’d somehow blagged his way in here, while Simon was sitting on the sofa. How had that happened?

  Then the penny dropped and Simon realised what was going on.

  “Bloody hell!” he cried, holding his hands up to protect his eyes, “You’re hypnotists!”

  That was the only way they could have made him do something so ridiculously rash. They’d invaded his mind as well as his house! There must be a law against that, surely. He’d definitely be writing to his MP if not. Messing about inside people’s heads without their permission was just not on.

  “Get out!” he leapt to his feet, still shading his eyes from them both. “Get out, get out!”

  “Mr. Debovar,” the man said, slowly and gently, “Calm down.”

  Simon calmed down. He calmly sat back down and calmly lowered his hands.

  “Honey,” the woman began, “there are things you need to know.”

  That was definitely true.

  “First of all,” she carried on, “we have this sort of … power, to make things happen that we want to happen. It’s part of who we are. Sometimes, we use it a little too freely - or accidentally. Like today.”

  Brilliant. The hypnotists believed they had magic powers. Simon had a sinking feeling that they were going to be more difficult to get rid of than the plague of ants he’d suffered after spilling a bag of sugar down the back of his washing machine last summer. But he stayed calm.

  Unnaturally calm.

  Why was he so calm?

  Wait…

  “I think…” he began, but then trailed off, as he realised he had no idea what to say.

  The woman - Lily - walked towards him. She reached for his face and he meekly allowed her to put her hands on his cheeks, cradling them like a wounded bird.

  “I’m sorry, honey. I realise this has all been very difficult for you. Let me fix that.”

  And, in a moment, she fixed it - insofar as she put an explanation directly into his brain. And explained how she was doing it.

  Simon understood.

  And it was terrifying.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Simon raised his head and looked in the mirror. He splashed some water on his face to clear the remnants of the breakfast he’d just calmly deposited in the sink.

  The woman had done something awful to him. She’d given him knowledge - much more than he wanted.

  Simon had always been something of an optimistic atheist - unable to believe in an afterlife, but hopeful he was wrong. Now, he knew the truth. And it was not as he expected.

  He took a few deep breaths, splashed some more water on his face, then calmly walked back downstairs to continue his discussion with the angel and the demon.

  “OK, let me just make sure I understand this, please?” Simon asked, sipping at his cup of sweet, milky tea. It was his mother’s cure all and he still fell back on it in times of crisis.

  “Of course, Mr Debovar,” said Daniel.

  Simon tried hard to decide where to begin - and finally opted for the beginning.

  “So, there is a God and a Satan, but not as we know them, because they’re actually … siblings? Is that the right word?”

  “It’ll do,” Lily answered.

  “And they caused the big bang, but by accident?”

  “It was not entirely … deliberate, that’s true” said Daniel. “They were experimenting and, well, you know the rest. They initially tried to contain it, but decided it would be more interesting to see what became of the mass of gas and rock.”

  “And they seeded planets with life?”

  Simon hesitated, not sure if he was actually about to say the next sentence.

  “Then betting on which would become dominant?”

  Daniel gave a sombre nod in reply. Simon looked to Lily for confirmation. She shifted uncomfortably as she also nodded. He hoped that meant at least one of them realised how ridiculous it was.

  “OK,” Simon continued, “so God and Satan are brothers who created life on Earth as a competition - to see whose species would win. Has God won, since humans are the dominant species? And what was Satan’s species? Dolphins?”

  “Ah,” said Lily, “that’s where we need to pick up. You see, God and Satan are not brothers.

  “You said they were,” Simon protested.

  “No, I said they were siblings.”

  “What?”

  “They’re brother and sister.”

  …

  “What?”

  Simon shook his head, manfully trying to make his brain wrap around this newest piece of mind-boggling information.

  “Brother and sister,” Daniel confirmed. “Male and female.”

  “Are you saying that women are actually … a different species?”

  Despite the fact that it actually explained a great many things, a little voice in Simon’s head was screaming: “You can’t say that!”

  “It’s true,” Lily confirmed. “Men and women are very different.”

  Quite an understatement, apparently.

  It occurred to Simon that he was taking all of this a little bit too well, and that reminded him of the other piece of information Lily had given him - and how she’d given it.

  “This power you have - how does that work? Are you … mind controlling me?”

  Lily took a deep breath and looked at Daniel.

  “Do you remember when I accidentally rang your doorbell?” the angel asked.

  “You ‘accidentally’ rang it? What were you trying to do?” asked Simon.

  “Sorry, of course I meant to ring it. I mean I accidentally made it ring.”

  Simon was staring. He was sure he was being at least a little bit thick.

  “What’s the difference?” he asked.

  “Well, that’s the rub,” Daniel answered, “You see, the bell only rang because I wanted it to.”

  This explained absolutely nothing, obviously.

  “What he’s trying to say is that we can make things happen, by wanting it,” Lily added.

  “Yes,” said Daniel, “that’s a good way to put it.”

  “Right,” Simon answered, feeling a deep, mortal terror rising again. “How does that work?”

  “Well, when Daniel pressed your doorbell, he wanted it to ring. In fact, he expected it to ring. So when he pressed it and it didn’t instantly ring, he subconsciously made it ring,” Lily explained.

  “We don’t actually have to consciously make something happen, sometimes we simply have to want it and, if we’re not thinking about it, our subconscious does it for us.”

  Simon closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He tried to envisage this ability, and found himself totally unable to do so without injecting personalities into both the doorbell and Daniel’s subconscious.

  What he came up with was an image of the doorbell being pressed and doing nothing. Daniel’s subconscious then popped in to ask what on earth was going on – he’d clearly pressed the doorbell and why was there no ringing? The doorbell replied by pointing out that, what with not having his wiring connected, there was nothing he could do about it. Daniel’s subconscious then pointed out that he very much needed the doorbell to ring, and if it didn’t do its job, he’d report it to his boss, and that, quite frankly, if the doorbell wanted to argue the laws of physics with the being who co-wrote them, he was welcome to. At this point, the doorbell realised he was better off just to do as he was asked, rather than ris
k being retrospectively erased from existence. So he rang.

  This little imaginary play helped Simon just about get his head round the concept. Just about. He decided it was one of those things he was just never going to understand.

  “OK,” he said, despite the fact that it was patently anything but, “Why are you here? I mean why did you come here?” he finished, realising he was repeating his earlier question.

  The demon stood. “The reason we wanted to see you, Simon, is that you have something we both need.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes.”

  “What?”

  Lily looked down at her feet, as if she were contemplating a response. She looked back up at Simon with a wide grin.

  “Your carpet.”

  Simon wasn’t certain, but he didn’t think ‘carpet’ was slang for anything. He’d heard of ‘rug’ and ‘underlay’ having other meanings…

  “I’m sorry, I don’t follow. What do you mean by ‘carpet’?”

  “Your carpet, Mr Debovar,” Daniel said, slowly and deliberately lifting his feet up and down. “This carpet.”

  Simon looked down. Ironically, the carpet was actually a big rug, but it happened to fit the living room so exactly that it looked like a laid carpet. It had intricate patterns and designs that Simon often found himself absorbed in, only to realise that he’d made himself late for a bath, or a nap. Which reminded him – he had no idea what time it was, but he really felt like he needed a wash.

  “Why do an angel and a demon want my carpet?” he asked.

  “Have you ever heard of a side bet?” Daniel asked.

  “Yes,” said Simon instinctively. He hadn’t, but that hardly mattered. Unless lying to an angel was some sort of sin. In which case, maybe he should be paying more attention to these sorts of things now.

  “Well that’s what this is,” Daniel continued. “You see, chances are that, yet again, this world is going to end in a draw, like most of the others before them. Man and Woman always eventually strike a balance – a side effect of making them need each other to breed. One sometimes dominates for a while - as man has done here, until recently - but eventually, it all evens out.”

  “So, when is the end? When does the bet finish?”

  “Same as all the others, honey,” Lily answered, “when the timer runs out. Or in your case, when the sun goes red giant and wipes out all life on the planet.If you make it that far. You’ve already done more damage to the planet than any of your predecessors.”

  “Also assuming they don’t wipe themselves out arguing about which religion is exactly right…” Daniel shook his head at Lily with a smile and she nodded wistfully in reply.

  “Well, surely it’s Christianity, isn’t it?” Simon asked. “That’s the one with God and Satan.”

  “We only called them that for you,” Lily answered. “To make it easier.We call them something equivalent to your words ‘Mother’ and ‘Father’.”

  “Oh,” Simon answered, feeling less sure of his ground again.

  “Here’s the crux,” Daniel continued, drawing himself up expectantly. “This time, they decided not to accept a draw; this time, they wanted a guaranteed winner, one way or another. So they made a side bet, just in case: one that had to produce a victor. And your carpet is the final piece.”

  Simon looked back and forth between Lily and Daniel. Both looked expectantly, and silently, back at him.

  “So, why do you want my carpet?”

  “It’s like this,” said Lily, “my Mother and his Father left thirteen different objects around in the early days. Their side bet was that their own people would find more than the other’s. His team has six and so does mine. We’re standing on number thirteen.”

  Daniel bristled slightly, but carried on: “We’ve had the hardest time tracking this piece. You see, the Holy Rug of Djoser was supposed to have been buried with a great king over four thousand years ago. Except it seems that his counsellor, Imhotep, salvaged it as a memento for Djoser’s eldest daughter.”

  “Imhotep?” Simon recognised the name. “The Mummy?”

  Daniel looked blankly at Lily.

  “He means the movies. They used his name,” she explained.

  “They use the names of their great historical figures for movies?” Daniel raised his eyebrows.

  “Sorry,” Simon apologised on behalf of … everybody.

  “These men were responsible for the pyramids, Mr Debovar, one of the great wonders of your world. Imhotep was a genius – an architect, engineer and the father of early medicine.”

  “Oh,” said Simon. “Cool.”

  “Anyway,” Daniel shook his head, “forty years ago, after a lengthy history where it had passed through the hands of uncounted archaeological dealers and millions had been paid for it, the Rug came into the possession of Professor Donald M. Flannery.”

  “Uncle Marvin!” Simon was pleased to hear something he understood.

  “Indeed. And then, fifteen years ago, you inherited it from your uncle and laid it in your living room.”

  Simon felt a surge of panic and nausea, much like the sudden remembrance that he had forgotten to turn off the oven. He had spilled, amongst other things, red wine, tea and golden syrup on the priceless artefact that would decide the biggest wager in existence.

  “I think I’m going to be sick again,” he blurted, cupping a hand over his mouth.

  “Should I stay off it?” he mumbled through the hand, before removing it to speak again. “I mean, am I being blasphemous by walking on it?”

  “Honey, a carpet that you can’t walk on would be quite pointless,” Lily answered.

  Simon tentatively put his feet down on the carpet he had casually walked all over for years. He was exceptionally aware of how soft it felt on his soles. At least, he congratulated himself, he had had the good taste not to put it into storage like so many of the ‘objets d’art’ Uncle Marvin had left him.

  “What happens now?” he asked, conscientiously lifting both feet back onto the sofa. “You both got here at the same time. Is it a draw?”

  “Not at all,” Daniel answered, “Lily and I have been working together for some time. We both realised that we weren’t going to find this easily, so we set some rules and agreed to cooperate.”

  “Basically,” Lily finished, “we agreed not to use our powers to influence the outcome and to accept the choice of the owner of the Rug, when we found it.”

  “The choice?” Simon asked, a cold stab of deep dread spreading through him.

  “Indeed. Your choice,” said Daniel.

  “My choice?”

  “Yes.”

  “What choice?”

  “You have to decide who gets it,” Lily answered.

  “Gets what?” Simon squeaked, desperately hoping that the answer wouldn’t be…

  “The Rug,” said Daniel.

  … Simon ran for the sink.

  ----

  Simon walked slowly back from the bathroom. Again.

  “I have to choose which of the two creators of the universe gets to ‘win’?” Of all the things Simon couldn’t believe he’d said this morning, he couldn’t believe this one the most. “On what basis do I make that decision? I mean, I’m a good person ... I think. I want to give it to the good guys. Who are the good guys?”

  Simon sat on the couch, pleased to no longer have to attempt to retain his utterly failing sense of balance.

  “Well, it isn’t that simple,” said Lily.

  Of course not.

  “Indeed.” Daniel added. “You see, your conventions of good and bad don’t really apply. Father and Mother are less ‘Good and Bad’ and more like ‘Yin and Yang.’”

  “What?” Simon asked, for the umpteenth time that morning.

  “There’s no good or bad in this,” said Lily, standing again, “there’s just different. So basically, it’s not an easy choice between right and wrong, I’m afraid. You’re going to have to figure out who you like more.”

  Lil
y smiled at Simon. He was pretty sure he knew who he liked more.

  “No he’s not, and stop flirting with him, demon. Remember Mr Debovar, for all that she looks good on the outside, underneath she’s a Barbie doll. No innies or outies.” Daniel grumbled.

  “I can have innies and outies if I want to,” Lily snapped, defensively.

  “But then you’d be using your powers, wouldn’t you?” Daniel replied, “And I’d win by default.”

  At this stage Simon was fairly sure that biological incompatibilities would not be an issue. If she even touched him, he’d probably burst.

  “This is what it comes down to,” Daniel continued, authoritatively, “we will each make you an offer for the Rug. It will be up to you to decide which offer you prefer. Does that sound fair?”

  “I suppose so,” Simon answered, after a moment.

  “Excellent,” Daniel replied. “In that case, I think we will leave you for now, and come back tomorrow, if we may?”

  Simon was sure he’d misheard that. It was inconceivable that these people had just dropped the biggest bomb in creation and were now going to leave him alone with it.

  “You look like you could use some rest, honey,” said Lily, soothingly. “And please don’t worry, I really want you to get a good night’s sleep tonight.”

  At that, angel and demon both raised up and gathered themselves to leave.

  “Wait a minute!” Simon blurted out, “You’re actually leaving?”

  “Yes,” Daniel answered. “Why?”

  “Why?” Simon suddenly found himself swelling with emotions he hadn’t had in many years. “You’re leaving?! You tell me I have to decide the fate of the world and then … leave? What am I supposed to do now?”

  “Well, Mr Debovar, if I were you, I’d have something to eat and then get some rest. You look a little - what’s the word - peaky,” said Daniel.

  Simon gawped at the pair. Then, realising he was standing on the carpet again, yelped and leapt upwards as if plugged into an electrical main. He landed, kneeling, back on the couch.